Diagnose me please..Epic Post

20 03 2008

Ok so for the past two days, I have attempted to write down everything that I do, that I shouldn’t and wish I could change. Any weird quirk I recorded, for no other reason than to maybe stop doing them or for my own humour. To make this post less crying, I will put some pictures of good looking people inside haha.

Random Shit

-I always like my bike up in the exact same place, in the exact same manner, even though it takes much longer just because that is the first way I locked it. When my spot is taken I just feel off for a while.

-(Same as above for train)

-Before leaving my apartment, everyday I walk down the first set of stairs then am forced to return to check on something, if I locked the door, if I have keys, etc.

-I never change the speed on my bike while actually on my bike. If I start the trip on let’s say speed 6, I keep it at that speed untill the trip is over. I guess to punish myself for leaving it on that speed. Or something retarded like that.

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Studying Related……..

-It’s difficult to sleep with my tv on, becuase whenever I hear a Japanese word I sort of think I should now, I have no choice but to eventually look it up. I have tried to fight it, but the word just sticks in my mind untill I have no choice. Good for remembering but bad for sleeping.

-If I get a text message in Japanese, I can’t sleep untill I translate it.

-If my teacher assigns me homework, I can’t sleep untill I finish it the day she gives it to me

I could go on, but I think that’s enough. Reading the list I laugh and say yeah I could stop doing that, but I won’t sort of like an alcoholic says well “I could stop drinking beer if I wanted to”. Basically I don’t know what any of that means, but maybe I’ll check back in a month and see If I stopped doing any of that. I guess we all have little quirky things we do.

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Since this I have been in a self analysis mood recently, a big issue with me is satisfaction. Since as long as I can remember, I have never been satisfied. The closest I can remember is senior year in high school, knowing I was living in the easiest time in all of my life. But even then, knowing that the clock was ticking hindered enjoyment. I am an incredibly goal driven person. So I work hard and acheive goals that I do set. Problem here is, once I do acheive, I never enjoy the actually acheivement. That goes with women as well. I have in the past spent months chasing after a girl, only for my feelings to wane DAYS after wooing her.

I realize all these things is very human. It is evolutionarily beneficial to never be satisfied. I think in some ways my life is better because I am like this. I have done many things just because of my first thought, “I wonder if I could do that”. After thinking that, my life becomes dedicated to that goal untill it has been accomplished. So I have accomplished many things. My current goal, Japanese, is a difficult one but I have never studied harder for anything in my entire life. I know in enough time I will accomplish it.

But my fear is, will anything ever be good enough for me for any length of time? I left a country because I had a goal of going to a new one to see what it was like. I can’t jump from country to country every 5 years or so for the rest of my life. I can’t NEVER have a girlfriend again in my life.

Saying that, I find joy in many many small things that most people would not. Seeing a koi in a river while on the train, seeing an old person praying at a mini-shrine, seeing a teenage couple, millions of other examples.  Any huge problem that comes my way I can ignore with a good song, playing guitar or watching a hockey game. I can shut off my mind when I choose. I am a very relaxed person. I never truly worry, except about my future.

I cry sometimes. If a song hits me and connects with a memory of the past, I cry. Not often, but I definitily am not a guy that says I’m to manly to cry. I would say once a month I cry thinking about my past, how awesome it was then and how it’s not coming back. But it feels good. Sometimes pain feels good. Without pain there would be no pleasure.

Next issue: I have an insane problem with being liked. I need to be liked by everyone EXCEPT for the ones I don’t like. In that case, I will do anything so that DON’T like me. I worry to much about how I am seen. I like to be in the spotlight and loved. I have dreams all the time about recieving a standing ovations. The best singular moments in my life involve an audience giving me admiration.

#3 – Playoff Hockey Game – I made a huge save on a breakaway with a minute left in the game. Crowd erupted and my head almost exploded because I was so pleased with myself.

#2 – My band playing at Nations in Washington, DC. – Our band was playing in a big local band concert. We went over big.

#1 – My band playing at a coffee house the summer of our graduation – My whole high school class came to see us play. There wasn’t enough room in the store for all the people. It was a perfect night.

Seems normal enough but how other people think of me shouldn’t matter so much.

That’s enough self study for one day. I have problems like everyone else in this world. Japan so far has kept me fairly satisfied, but that also might be because I know I will enjoy it more when I can speak Japanese….

Follow your dreams people!

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Japanese of the Day………Suru…. Makes any noun into a verb..easy enough right?Medical Terms…

やけど(yakedo) – burn
やけどする(yakedosuru) – get burned

検査 – けんさ(kensa) – examination
検査する – けんさする(kensasuru) – examine

怪我 – けが(kega) – injury
怪我をする – けがをする(kega o suru) – injure

骨折 – こっせつ(kossetsu) – break
骨折する – こっせつする(kossetsu suru) – to break

Today’s HOT guest source…………………..

Vlcsnap-8101149.jpg

Porco Rosso! Cool Miyazaki Movie. Not his best, but still good.

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Music of the Day… PERFECT SONG… Kusumi Koharu – “Happy”.. Japanese happiness(genki) to the MAX! Get Happy People!

Since I’ve put so many pictures, I can’t leave out my favorite….

nana mika

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